Flapjack and His Retarded Adventure
by HeroineCruor
Summary: I love writing retardfics haha. Flapjack gets told to find his own adventure and it turns out to happen much more retarded things than he could imagine. Rated T for swearing, references and randomness.


**Keyboard headbanging, episode 3, ladies and gentlemen! Another retardfic. XD**

**Nobody will probably read this, but who cares? It was fun to write.  
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**Enjoy, rate and review!  
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"Caaannnndddyyy...yummmmmm..." Flapjack talked in his sleep and captain K'nuckles couldn't sleep because of that. "CAAAAANNNDDYYY..." The little boy drooled. K'nuckles took a bit of Bubbie's tongue and covered his ears. Then slowly, Flapjack started to sound more desperate, tense and worried, wriggling around on the pink tongue of Bubbie's. "Nooo...keep your hands off my candyyyy...thieves..." Then all of a sudden, Flappy busted up in sitting position, waking up. "STAY AWAY FROM MY MOTHERFUCKING CANDY!" Panting heavily, he regained consciousness, trying to remain calm. "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, LAD! YOU KNOW WHAT I AND BUBBIE THINKS ABOUT SWEARING!" Flapjack covered his mouth in utter shock. "HOLY SHIT! I cursed! I don't deserves to live on this planet! I'm a...a little snail!"

"You cursed again!"

"What?"

"You said 'HOLY SHIT!'"

"*gasp* Cap'n K'nuckles! You...CURSED!" Flapjack's jaw had dropped as he pointed a shaky finger at his idol captain. He looked like a person that had just read 'Cupcakes'.

"Bubbie! Tell him off!" Flapjack said, staring at the roof as if it could talk.

"Now, baby." Bubbie talked in her afro-American accent. "No matter how much I hate to admit it, you cursed first. Please don't use those words again, ok, sweetie pie? They will have no good affect on you." Flapjack nodded sadly. "Ok, mom." Talking like a little child (A/N: Like he isn't *awsum face*) and playing with his hair curls.

Bubbie twitched but then she squeaked. "OMGOMGOMG! He called me mom, holy ZOMG LOL squeeeeee!" She hugged herself. "I'm totally gonna facebook about this!" A mobile fell down from the sky and she professionally caught it with her fin and rapidly clicked the buttons. After writing her situation she got a comment on her status shortly after. She cried a bit after reading it. "So? He's not your biological son. Get over it, woman!" Her expression went from sadness to anger. "HARVEY, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SACK BALLS!"

"Hey lad," Flapjack turned to Captain K'nuckles. "Yes, Crapp'n...I mean...Cap'n?" He blinked with his girly eyelashes that randomly existed, looking like Betty Boop. "How about going on an adventure?" K'nuckles asked with a heroic smile. The magical word had been spoken, causing Flapjack to scream in a girly fashion and shoot up from the tongue like a rocket on it's way to Mars! He started to jump and run around the captain in circles. "ADVENTURE! AMERICA!" (A/N: I'm sorry, it's an inside joke of mine. Ever heard the song "America Fuck Yeah"? When I'm happy about something I always scream "America" but then stop there, let alone figuring out the rest :) Sorry about that, I just couldn't resist ^^')

"What kind of adventure? Going to Candied *drool* Island? Flipping *oh gosh* flapjacks? Meet a giant fish? Fuck it's brains out?" (Like a boss reference ;D)

"No, boy, I AM not going on an adventure." K'nuckles replied triumphant, ignoring the cursing he just did. He took a big fat sausage finger and shoved it in Flapjack's cute little stomach. "YOU do." The little boy blushed and talked in his lurky voice that is always sounded as funny as...whatever-you-think-is-the-funniest-on-Earth-stuff. "Oh, you joker you. I couldn't do anything without the best adventurer in the world." He elbowed K'nuckles playfully. "Eh, eh...cap'n?" The little boy winked. "Now, now, Flap. Chill 'em." The captain said resting a hand on the boy's shoulder calmly. "I forgot to tell you that you need to become a real adventurer by traveling on your own at times...like now! Now on your way, boy!" Flapjack looked at him with that blank expression, his arms hanging by his sides. "But...are ye sure, K'nuckles? What am I supposed to do?" "Aww, lad. Just do what naturally comes to mind. PleasehurrynowsoIcangetridof yaandgotosleep." K'nuckles said quickly, fake smiling and sweating bullets. 'Holy anchors, let's hope he's thinking with his normal stupid, naïve head.' K'nuckles thought.

Flapjack gaped his mouth with a smile, his blue eyes filled with stars. "Anything you say...captaiinnnn..." Looking addicted, he threw himself onto K'nuckles, clinging onto him in a childish hug. He snuggled his head on him. "Cap'nIloveyou." He said quickly, not stopping whatever he was doing. K'nuckles was creeped out, so he took out a chocolate bar randomly from his back and waved it in front of Flapjack's face.

"Arf arf!" The child barked and panted like a dog, holding out his tongue. "Good boy..." The captain said, slowly making his way to Bubbie's teeth as Flapjack, now possessed, ran after him on all 4's. The captain opened a tooth and threw out the chocolate bar. "Fetch!" Flapjack ran after it, leaving a rather relieved captain behind. K'nuckles went to go to sleep again. "Hey, K'nuckles! Why aren't you closing my tooth, you son of a gun! And what did ya do to my baby woo cherry pumpkin honey bunny!" Bubbie yelled angrily.

"First off: CLOSE IT YOURSELF, LAZY BUTT! Second off: I just sent him on an adventure!" K'nuckles retorted and laid down on Bubbie's tongue.

"You what! YOU FREAKING WHAT!" Bubbie screamed in a state of panic, because it was still night outside.

*BUBBIE'S TOO PARANOID THOUGHTS THAT ARE SO PARANOID THAT SHE SHOULD BE LECTURED FOR IT*

Flapjack chain-walked on the street! (For the Family Guy fans!)

A lot of interesting people he hoped to meet

But then there was a very beautiful lady who dressed like a slut

Doctor Barber bothered her with the question: "Would you like a hair cut?"

She squeaked when she noticed the little innocent boy

And got overwhelmed with relief and joy

Ditching the old man, she posed and spared the boy a dime:

"Hey, little guy, looking for an adventurous good time?"

Flapjack, about the situation not quite sure

Couldn't do anything else than yell: "ADVENTURE!"

Roses are red

Violets are blue

These thoughts suck too much to be true

Bubbie should just take a dump and scream: "BLAHBLAHBLOOHOO!"

...

Fuck! That didn't rhyme good!

*END OF BUBBIE'S FORBIDDEN AND PARANOIDIC PARANOID THOUGHTS EXCLAMATION POINT!*

"Ok, screw this! Go to my baby's POV! No one cares about ours if he isn't here." She took a handkerchief and waved with it at the camera, then threw it at it. I couldn't see a thing, but when I took it off, HOLY CRAP! I saw Flapjack sitting on Bubbie's back but she didn't know it!

"Whale feces! What if his innocent little head meets a hooker?!" Bubbie yelled swirling her fins around one another in a concerned way. Then she got almost startled the living lights out of her when the little boy's voice was heard in the dark night.

"Bubbie, what's a hooker?" Flapjack smiled innocently and wiped off the chocolate from his face. He sucked on his fingers to get the annoying chocolate sticky self off! (Stupid chocolada-!)

Bubbie sweated and stuttered. "I...I...honey pumpkin, how long have you been sitting there?"

"The whole time."

HAA-HAA! (Nelson voice).

Bubbie's heart skipped a beat. "Well, Fap- I mean, Flapjack, you were not supposed to hear that. Now, shouldn't you be somewhere?" She blinked suggestively and prepared to blow him in through the hole on her head, hoping he had forgotten what K'nuckles told him to do. The blonde rested a hand on his chin in deep thought. "Well, now that you mention it..." He stood up. "I'm supposed to be adventuring! ADVENTURE! BANANAS!" Then he somehow wore 'Lord of the flies' clothes and face painting as he ran off. His childish laugh echoed through Stormalong.

"Hey, that's neat...HEY, WHAT NOW?!" Bubbie exclaimed. "No, pumpkin, get back here!" Flapjack heard her, then randomly found a pumpkin and threw it in her direction. It accidently hit her in the face and she grumbled when she realized how he had interpreted her line. She licked up the rests of the pumpkin, thought it tasted good, and wolfed it down.

Flapjack should be called Flap-Jack, because he's dressed like Jack from 'Lord of the Flies'! *ba-dum-bum-pssh* You got it right? Right? Bleh, you're no fun.

He hummed on 'Break my stride' as he rushed between the buildings of Stormalong. Then he saw the little 'Girls Only' house, and got pissed. The girls who had thought he was a girl once, owned it! So he decided to be a pain in the ass and attack. Surprisingly, the windows were lit, but it was night! (Fuck logic bitch! XD)

Flapjack jumped through the window like a boss! It crashed into a lot...LOT LOOOOOTTTTTTT...lo- *gets slapped* ok, fine! A lot of pieces of glass and Flapjack screamed: "BEWARE, GOONS! I HAVE A HUGE SHOTGUN 60000 AND A PITCHFORK ATTACHED TO IT!" (A/N: A YouTuber threatened me with this comment a while ago :3)

Panting heavily, he looked around the room, but he couldn't see anyone! He ditched his self defense, stared blankly for a few seconds before shrugging. Then he just found a Sherlock Holmes hat randomly on the floor and his mouth started to water. His pupils were stars and he smiled widely. 'CANNONBALL SAUCE SPICE! OMG! LOOOL! I THINK I SHOULD TROLL THE VILLAGERS WITH IT, HECK YES!' He thought and put it on, then somehow had a pipe he smoked on. All of a sudden he thought of a scene; 'People die when they are killed' from an anime every meme fan should know of. He did the 'Are-you-fucking-kidding-me-face' at the thought.

He ran outside. He wore nothing but a loincloth and the Sherlock Holmes hat, plus face painting. (He's dressed as an aborigine, don't forget that, kids! *throws up victory fist*) Flapjack absently made little smoke clouds with his pipe, just standing there like...like...WHATEVER THAT STANDS STILL!

'I know!', the boy thought as he did a fucked up face, 'I'm going to the Candy Barrel to take some candy! Crapp'n will be so cannonbally proud of meh!' He sprinted off to put his plans into action. "NYA NYA NYAHA!" He laughed goofily. Then he stumbled on a rock. Flapjack did the angriest face ever, and pointed at the rock like the monkey in Chris's closet. "You...you imbecile! Dare standin' in mah way again, I'm gun' paint you like an easter egg!" The rock got scared by the threat, magically got legs and fled the scene. "MUAHAHAHAHA...!" The boy stopped laughing when a bigger rock's shadow blocked his view, approaching him. He gulped and mumbled. "Oh, battlefield corpses." (BECAUSE SAYING 'CANNONBALLS' IS SO LAST SEASON, BYATCHEZ! XD)

The pathetic little kid was dressed, wait, covered in bandages after been given a number on. He had broken his ribs, his leg, and his arm but could still walk because he's a freaking cartoon character and they push the logic and play Hannah Montanah music for it.

When reaching the Candy Barrel, he walked inside and saw it was lit by the bar counter! He grew curious and smoked the pipe as he professionally walked to the bar counter, with half-lidded smart-ass eyes. Peppermint Larry was there, and according to his wet face, he had been crying like a little girl that got her lollipop stolen! The crybaby sneezed in a handkerchief before noticing the little cool blonde walk over. "Hey, Flapjack! Put that pipe away at once! You got your whole life in front of you!" 'OK, that was a white birdshit lie.' He thought afterwards.

"Buzz off, loser." Was the reply. "I'm here to take over this place with my unicorn army!" Flapjack imitated showing off his biceps, before taking up photos from behind his back. It was pictures of "Charlie The Unicorn" and "Twilight Sparkle" as a few samples of his complete 'army'. He gave off a friendly smirk, because he was still the little good guy inside. (A/N: Aww ^^)

"Uh, ok, but can you do me a life-saving favor first?" Peppermint Larry asked. "Uh, ok?" Flapjack replied, heavily confused (A/N: I'm sick of saying 'slightly' NEH! D:)

"You see...I found Candy whor- I mean, Candy Wife cheating on me with a popcorn bag so I strangled her. She's laying on the floor. I have been eating chocolate ice-cream and watched 'Titanic' to try to chill down, but it wont do. I need you to clear my name, blondie!" Larry took grabbed Flapjack by the shoulders and shook him all night long! (A/N: Sorry, song reference ^^)

Flapjack laughed, THAT laugh. Yes, THAT. You know what I mean. "I'm sorry, but I'm not a lawyer, I'm-" "A detective?" Peppermint asked. Flapjack opened his mouth to say no, but changed his mind after some thought. 'Hehehehehihihi...I can take this as my advantage...we can become rich by this and never beg on the harbor again and get slapped on the toshi for it!' (A/N: Is that (out of character) spelled correctly?)

"Yeah, indeed I am one! Now, what should I do?!" Flapjack said, bouncing swiftly up and down like Spongebob. ":D" He expressed gleefully.

"Oh, in that case," Peppermint Larry informed in a different tone, "Just find a place to hide the body." He said and started to wipe a beer glass out of nowhere. The boy did the "YESSHIT!" gesture (holding a hand over his forehead with the middle finger sticking out). "AYE AYE, UMM...PAPERMILK LAMBY!" He ran away with his loincloth bouncing swiftly on his way to Candy Wife. However, one of her hands had fallen to the floor so he had to bend down on all fours to get it, underneath the table. Peppermint Larry drooled as he stared at Flapjack's behind. "Oh, yes!" He said creepily, fancying the boy's appearance.

A/N: Yeah, I often pretend the whole town is full of pedophiles. I mean, it's obvious lol xD Creepy looking men (Peppermint Larry, Doctor Barber, Lolly Poopdeck etc.), them very fond of Flapjack, and he is very...cute and adorable (In my eyes), bonus for him looking girly. No, I'm not serious, dude xD But you gotta admit it looks kinda...like that. I joke about that with myself. (Yes, myself, because I'm forever alone! S-O-B! *plays "I'm so lonely" and eats a huge chocolate bar crying*)

The little boy carried the fatass candy whore, and he had a sudden shot of amnesia so he stopped and a question mark appeared above his head. "Wait...what am I doing again?" After a while he shrugged and decided that he liked carrying the candy creation and whistled as he walked home. Once arriving, he jumped into Bubbie's mouth, who was asleep, so she was shocked when she suddenly got something in her mouth when she woke up. "HOLY CRAPOODLE MASHMALLOW HEADMAN! I SWALLOWED FLAPJACK AND A HUGE BOOGER!"

The boy got in and he pour skittles all over K'nuckles face to wake him up. He growled waking up. "DAMMET, BOY! I'm trying to slee-ah! Shoot." He noticed Candy Wife the blonde had put down on Bubbie's tongue. Bubbie thought it tasted good. "Oh my! This is how candy tastes like! Awh gawsh, isn't it tastier than algae and fish! Gotta have some more later! Hahahah!1" She had a crazed maniac look in her eyes.

The captain laughed, for once, pirate style. "YARHARHARHARRR! Who would have thought? I never expected you to bring the sex doll Candy Wife home for me! This is the BEST PRESENT EVARRRRRR! YAARRR!" His stupid termite-eaten wooden legs moved ugly as he tried to dance.

Flapjack's eyes widened. "A- what? What was that?" The boy asked innocently.

The whale heard this so she came to the rescue and spat them both out like a cowboy does into a spittoon! Once they were outside, she covered Flapjack's ears. "He's a kid. KID, dammit! Lived 10 summers! Or springs, or falls, or winters...WHAT THE FUCK EVER! Stupid bastard!" She thought she could curse freely now when the confused little boy's ears were covered up with his mother's fins. (What else?) "So? He's 10, the author of this story knew what it was when she was 9!"

9-year old me, scans the area around herself before running off to hide beneath the covers. "FOR PETE'S SAKE! It must be disgusting to smudge each other like that! YUCK!" I thought then. 7 years later, I think like this: "HA! EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS A SEX JOKE! PENIS!" I ran around with purple flags with condom pictures on them and a huge president hat as people gave me odd looks.

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GONNA RAPE MY LITTLE BABY'S CHILD(RED RIDING)HOOD LIKE THAT!" Bubbie yelled, I shot her a pissed off look. "Besides, how are you gonna use Candy Wife? You don't even have a CROTCH!" Flapjack started getting bored by her fins by his ears. "Why, yes I do! Have you been sneaking on me? You perverted bitch!" Captain accused. "OH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, JERK!" They stopped arguing and Bubbie let go of Flapjack, he stared confused at them. "Damn. You must really not get along." They gasped. "FLAPJACK! WATCH YOUR SAILOR MOUTH, YOUNG MAN!" The hypocritical bastards exclaimed in unison. They didn't even question his clothing, that much of self-absorbed simpletons they actually were.

They thought "Fuck that" then Flapjack and K'nuckles went back to the Candy Barrel because they wanted candy so bad otherwise they would eat up their own limbs- ohh, wait, tool late, Flapjack began to chew on a hammer (laugh or die! *threats with a carrot*) K'nuckles eyes widened. "Sheesh, boy, you were never this obsessed when Sally Syrup were here and sold sea shells." Flapjack winced and spoke in a wonderingly tone. "Who in the name of fermented baltic herring is Sally Syrup?!" Then he sprinted but stumbled on the wharf. "Stupid piece of woo- I mean, wharf! Stupid wharf!" He didn't realize there was a dwarf nearby. The dwarf started to weep and run away. It was one of those from Snow White.

(A/N: Btw, this Sally Syrup thing, I'm sorry but I just don't support he with Sally. And I have good reasons to so don't go off and call me a brat, that makes you look like one.)

"The girl you liked...? Who sold sea shells...? Right here...?" The boy placed a finger on his chin, thinking of events of the past. A light bulb appeared above his head, then broke. But then appeared again. Then broke. Then appeared again but this time it didn't- *breaks* neeh, forget it.

However, it didn't break after several times of breaking, showing Flapjack figured the whole thing out. "Oh! That girl who looked like a scarecrow? Her eyes give me nightmares!" (A/N: So does to me.) The captain face palmed. "Meh, her sea shells sucked anyway!" Then he was gone. He had run over the remaining way to Candy Barrel. K'nuckles hurried after.

They hustled the door open, "Behold! I'm gonna take over this place with my unicorn army! DEAL WITH IT!" Peppermint Larry was confused at the boy's words and asked: "What army? What the hell?" "That's right, MY ARMY! Come out! Horses! Ponies! UNICORNS! WHATEVAR!"

In came Princess Bubblegum with a horn on her forehead. She glared at the blonde. "What is this? You told me to save the candy friends here, I DON'T SEE ANY DAMN FRIENDS!" Mac from Foster's ran around the place, that also had a horn on the forehead. "MORE SWEET SUGAR ON MAC!" He screamed addicted and ate every single candy in the store. Peppermint Larry screamed. "NOOOOO...MY CANDY! YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH!" He cried. "MY MOM IS NOT A BITCH, SHE HAS TWO JOBS!" "THEN HER SECOND JOB IS PROSTITUTION!" The shop keeper ran over to the 8-year old and tried to strangle him. However, Bubblegum ran over and knocked Peppermint out cold, but it was too late, Mac was unconscious. The Princess cried and hugged the boy, and K'nuckles rolled his eyes. "Pathetic..." "Shut up, old man!" Bubblegum turned around and yelled. "He's just 8 years old! Show some empathy, old fart!" Flapjack was cutting his toenails by the counter, but frowned at them yelling. "SHUSH! This craves concentration!" The princess shrugged and took a portal gun out of nowhere, shoot it in the wall and jumped into the portal with Mac in her arms.

The boy finished cutting his toenails and then screamed happily. "YAY! Now we have the Candy Barrel in the bag!" He circled around the counter and laughed. K'nuckles was not very happy about it though. "Uhmm, Flap..." "LET'S HAVE A PARTY!" "Flap..." "BUT THOSE STUPID KIDS CAN EFF OFF AND SUCK MY-" "FLAP!" He was interrupted but still payed no attention. "LET'S EAT GAY-COLOURED MARZIPAN SQUARES!" Rainbow, in other words. "LISTEN TO ME, YOU INCARNATED PIECE OF HELL!"

Flapjack smiled widely. "LOL WHUT?"

"There is no candy left, we can't sell anything and become steinrich! Yeah, sudden German. But seriously, we did all this unnecessarily!" K'nuckles angrily ran around and opened candy jars to find anything, but they were all empty like a pocket of a hobo. Then they heard police sirens outside, and before they knew it the police from the bicycle episode ran in with handcuffs. "You're under arrest!" Flapjack and the captain didn't ask, they just thrusttheir hands forward to get what they deserved, very depressed. The police was heavily confused and asked, "You're not gonna ask me why?" They shook their heads sadly. "BECAUSE I FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT AND FEEL ALUUUV!" They were thrown in prison, got freed the next day. But K'nuckles got sick of his life so he drowned himself outside the harbor. Flapjack was too depressed to go to the funeral so he and Bubbie traveled the rest of their lives from island to island. They were very poor and barely had anything to eat. They were bored out of their minds and smelled like rotten fish. "How can this get any worse?" Bubbie complained. Directly after Flapjack ran in an said joyfully: "Hey, Bubbie! I know what a hooker is!"

"ARRGH!" Bubbie said, took a gun and shot herself in the head. Flapjack fainted and later on, 10 years later, became a badass captain of a ship, and the rumors said he was the most dangerous captain by all the seven seas.

THE END

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**Commentary!**

**Flapjack: THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN! I liked being OOC! Lulz!**

**K'nuckles: Am not gonna allow myself into anything like this again. This was so retarded. Cause all the racket and trash.**

**Amie: Well, it's fun writing shit like this about you guys! It makes me laugh like a tickled hyena.**

**Bubbie: This was great! Call me anytime if you want to write anything like this again.**

**K'nuckles: What? Bubbie, not you too!**

**Flapjack: Amie, can I...?**

**Amie: *sighs* Ok. *gives Flapjack my bag of candy* I bought it this Saturday, it's basically mine, but you're lucky cause I'm generous.**

**Flapjack: Thank you, Amie! *starts to munch on the candy along with the bag***

**Sally Syrup: Can I have some?**

**Flapjack: Uhh...do I know you again?**

**Random woman comes by: Why, aren't you the cutest girl crossing the harbour.**

**Flapjack: I'm a BOY! Is is that hard to see? Look! *Pulls up loincloth (yes, he still wore it)***

**Sally Syrup: *faints***

**Random woman: I get it! Heavens, that's embarrassing! *takes randomly on a banana suit and runs off***

**Flapjack: *stares at Sally* CROTCH- I mean, CANNONBALLS! The scrarecrow died! She couldn't stand me being awesomesauce!**

**THE END.**

**Characters: Noo, come back!**

***ahemm* THE. END.**

**Characters: Don't you wanna stay some more? There aren't many cool characters in the cartoon!**

**Then I ran away from the Flapjack characters with a sign that said:**

**"THE END, DAMN IT!"**


End file.
